


The Love I Meant To Say

by girl_next_door_writes



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-06
Updated: 2018-12-06
Packaged: 2019-09-13 03:45:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16885026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/girl_next_door_writes/pseuds/girl_next_door_writes
Summary: Crowley sacrifices himself and at that moment the realization that you will never get to tell him how you feel hits you.





	The Love I Meant To Say

There are some moments in your life where it feels like everything has just stopped. It’s like the entire world is taking a breath before whatever emotion is about to hit you comes smashing down. In reality, these times last a fraction of a second. The world around you has continued spinning and the feeling of wading through treacle is all in your mind. Nothing happened in slow motion, there wasn’t really silence, and yet in that moment, there is so much. 

You felt Sam holding onto you, preventing you from running forward or maybe just collapsing. You saw the familiar figure in front of you drop and everything you had never said flooded your mind. This was it. This was the end and you’d never told him. He sacrificed himself and he never knew how you felt because you’d always just assumed the stupid idiot was freaking immortal or something. It had never really occurred to you that he would be the first of you to go.

Sam’s grip loosened and your knees gave way, your cheeks wet from the tears you hadn’t even realized had appeared. Your eyes locked on the unmoving form of the demon who had saved you in ways he would never even know, not now anyway.

‘Crowley. You fucking idiot.’ You thought, aware that he used to sneak into your thoughts and then make fun of you. Not that you minded, it was just a bit of banter between the pair of you and sometimes the silent communication was useful. If only he could hear you now, but he was gone. 

Events were unfolding around you, movement, sound, life, but you were stuck, unable to move. Before you’d met the enigmatic king of hell your life was black and white. There were good guys and bad guys and it was your job to take out the bad guys. The first time you’d met him he had been amused when you tried to take him out. It had taken some talking round by Dean to see that maybe things were more shades of grey and Crowley was definitely a darker shade. A shade that would now be missing forever from your life. 

He certainly made your life interesting. Popping up now and then to ‘help’ which always involved a level of snark from the pair of you. Sam had once accused him of flirting with you and Crowley had stumbled over his excuses, not a sight you’d ever seen before and it made your heart sing. That was when you realized you were actually quite fond of the demon. You were fond of a demon. That was never gonna end well. A thought flickered through your mind. A crossroads deal? Would they be able to bring him back? Could anyone bring him back? You would gladly pay any price just for the chance to talk to him one last time. To throw your arms around him and feel him stiffen at the touch as he did every time before awkwardly hugging you back. 

Over the years the moron had become your person. The one you bounced things off at three in the morning, the first one you shared good news with, the one who made everything seem a little less dark. It was as if the world was filled with music, such beautiful music, and without him to connect you to that it was all nothing more than a dull noise. Odd that a demon was the one to tether you to existence but without him there you began to fear that your soul might disintegrate along with any joy you might ever have had. 

Crawling over the rough floor you pulled his head into your lap, your vision blurred by tears as you sniffed, trying to hold back your sobs. Pushing his hair back from his face, you bit your trembling lower lip. There were so many things you wanted to say to him. Sorry, that was the word. Sorry for all the times you had told him to fuck off. Sorry for trying to kill him a couple of times. Sorry for not taking the time to tell him that you love him. 

Dropping your forehead to his, your tears began to flow over his face. “Stay.” The word almost lost in your grief and you felt someone kneel next to you, put their arm around you. They pulled you into their arms and for a brief moment, you kinda hoped it was Crowley, that this was all some elaborate joke that you could yell at him for. 

“Come on.” Dean held you tighter, encouraging you to get to your feet. “We’ve lost too much, I’m not losing you too.” 

 

The drive was silent. Each of you lost in your own thoughts, knowing that nothing was ever going to be the same.


End file.
